what was it that u've said?

well, i've heard this from him many times i guess. few were said face-to-face, others were texted while some were through vicarious learning, uh..frens? at first, i didn't get what he meant, or rather, chose not to accept what he had said. it didn't quite hit me that time when he said he didn't had feelings for me. all i thought was, well, probably he was just denying it. come to think about it, i was pretty convinced that he might have feelings for me, like come on, 3 years spending time together, its impossible that someone couldn't develop feelings for u. that were silly assumptions made then. how could u not have all those vain thoughts when things seemed to go pretty well for both of you. or maybe that's what i thought. some peeps might have thought that i'm stupid enough while others, uh..can't say much? regardless of the seemingly ridicule or "no-comment" pretences, i was kind of comfortable with my own vain and egocentric wishful thinking. thinking that sooner or later, he'll get to know and like me. WTH was wrong with me?! was i too caught up with him? restricting myself to only getting to know him and disregarding others that were around me and limiting myself from extending my network. friends said that i was addicted or probably obssessed with him, that, i agree. it kinda scares me that i actually know what is going wrong with me and still able to somehow regulate and pull myself together. there are just times when i did not want to recover. i wanted to hold back onto the "nothingness". its a fortress. fortress to my hurt ego.

i am slowly learning to let go, though. it might sting, but hey, i gotta do what's right for me. i gotta emerge from my shell and learn to appreciate people and things that i've taken granted for, for the past few years. he will be my friend, a good friend.hopefully one that i will not forget in time. but if i do, its a charm that i have shared something with him.

so i was thinking, does the word "LOVE" only applicable to 2 individuals who like and adore each other or it can also mean one-sided adoration and affection? and i mean not only in romantic but also say,platonic relationships or friendships?

i'll end with a toast to those love-birds and also those singletons! i'm sure that it is just time that separates us from those who are already hitched or attached. and no worries, singlehood has all the excitements and revelations that are yet to be unfold. take your time :)

could i be any more pathetic than i already am? it is so hard for me to bear. no matter how often i tell myself that i should get over him, that i should start living for myself, that it is not worthy to waste my time thinking about him, that no matter what i do, he will never come to acknowledge and appreciate it, that all these do not matter as long as i am able to see him and talk to him; i find it dreadfully hard to live my life as it was before i met him. things have changed, people have changed, my feelings for him have changed, but they grew stronger. people always tell me that i should not waste my time for him, that other guys will come my way, that i deserve someone way better than him, that they don't see anything in him that is worthy to be considered, that he could be a good friend but not a good boyfriend, etc. somehow, it bothered me, and is still bothering me, that though i often tell myself that you can never force someone to like you and that life still goes on with or without him, and that i can find someone else better, the thing is, i am not looking for a boyfriend. nor do i think that anyone is able to take his place. i may find someone who is similar. but i can never find someone who is like him. sometimes i really don't know what i want. i may convince myself that he doesn't have to be my boyfriend to appreciate him, as long as i am able to spend time and share my thoughts and listen to him speak, i'll do fine. and seriously, i am happy if things were to go that smoothly always. but why do i miss him when he's not around, why do i feel like there's something missing when he's not around, why do i sometimes shed tears thinking that we'll be going our separate ways soon after our graduation and that i'll never get to see him again, why?

i don't want to be caught up with these emotions. sometimes i just wish that i hadn't had fallen for him. if i hadn't had feelings for him, things would be so great. i wouldn't have to know or be constantly aware and try to differentiate my feelings for him. but at the same time, i am grateful that i've found a good companion all these years.

what do i do?
time will tell?
but i can predict what is ahead, so does it matter?
we'll see.


my all-time-fav emo song. has never ceased to make me shed. well, sometimes its not all that sad, but tearing just make things better.

good for me!

went to visit the doc just now. good news! no dislocated bones or muscle tear. he said it was just blood clot. woooohoooo!! im kinda relieved. he said tht he was goin to give me a jab. and i was like, "Sure!" :D (a bit of a maso, i am :p) but it didnt hurt a bit. must be the "fleshiness" i have. lol.

wateva it is. i am a lucky ass. and im goin to kick ass soon!
later~

post-thesis celaka-ness

we're finally done with thesis! yay, managed to pull through it. the "road" was winding though, but nevertheless, worth the experience. jus when a friend of mine had talked about and was curious of why none of us had "snapped" or brokedown for the thesis, the next day itself (or was it 2 days later), i kinda had a disagreement with a friend. i admitted that i was rude and disrespect of him. i guess all of us wanted what was best for the thesis n probably were stressed bout it, but all of us tried to keep cool.

it was friday and the day to pass up the thesis. i was jolly happy as we were finally done with it. we had to go to a fren's place to print the thesis. and so after morning shower, i was coming down the stairs and to my horror, i fell, with my back hitting one of the steps. for a moment, i couldnt get up and move. it took me awhile to get back on my feet again. and i thought that, it was just a light fall, that i might get bruises and all later. hah! turned out that, i didnt had any bruises. no blue-black mark. but i feel this poking sensation everytime when i tried to turn to one side and when i tried to lift my legs. and the pain can be detected from my waist til my thigh. everytime when i pressed my upper waist, i'll feel a sense of pricking in the flesh, then i'll feel a twitch in the muscle and my leg will jerk. i so hope tht it'll b jus a blood clot or something minor. please dont be something like muscle tear or bone dislocated or something severe. i wana play sports! i'll be pissed n upset if i were not able to do sports for some time. now, it is kinda hard to wear pants n all as i need to lift my legs up n doing so will cause an excruciating pain to my thigh. its like something poking through your flesh.

well, will be going to the doctor or rather orthopaedist soon. let's hope tht i'll need not go through all those bone and muscle correcting therapy. it'll hurt like hell!

wana get well soon and kick some balls! feel like a disabled person :(

when expectations run high

what a row i had with my mom yesterday. we started out by talking about my friends, then my aunt and ended up having disagreements and misunderstandings. i guess i went too far and was overboarded. but i wasn't being caught up so much with emotions. as far from being inquisitive and wondering how humans communicate and live their lives eventhough they know its torturing, i was practically asking mom questions that might have made her misunderstood me for blaming her for what happened and is happenning in the family. coming to think about it, i was being very cold and inhuman towards her. maybe after many silent cries, repressing feelings and finally exposing myself to people whom i can trust, i finally got over the thought of self-pity and sympathy-indulgence. i became more emotionally independent. but somehow i became more reticent and cold. and maybe because i saw a mirrored image of myself in mom that i couldn't hold up to. i just didn't want her to torture herself and and to feel overburdened. i just didn't want her to punish and blame herself for everything that has happened. eventhough she kept saying that she couldn't care much about dad, i still feel that she does.constantly giving the excuses that what she has done all these years were for me and bro, i felt like i was a burden. it may be my fault to have expect too much from her and a little superficial to expect her to not complain about everything she does if they were done sincerely.must be too much of korean dramas, where those seemingly "heroes" were the ones who kept everything to themselves and suffer themselves. these dramas might have blindfolded me for a while and sparked my dream for a fantasy-like, fairytale life story. maybe this has been my armour all this while. armour that has been protecting me from revealing and exposing my fears. i used to think that it'll be okay as long as i am able to help others overcome their emotional burdens regardless mine.i used to think that my unfinished business will not affect how i console others because i do not see what i've been through as something that is shameful or bad. instead i see them as inspiring and beneficial. come to think about it now, i'm not sure. not sure how it will affect me in the future. i realised that i can be so convincing and helpful towards others, but not myself.

what happened yesterday proved to me that i can be so non-empathetic when i harbour high expectations on someone and especially when it involves people i love. i can be ignorant towards what my friends say about me. i can resist despite the bad-mouthing. but i cannot withstand seeing people i love torture themselves and feel bad because of me. also, i cannot have people that i care misunderstood me for who i am nor have bad impressions of me. maybe it all bores down to expectations, again. now, we can see how expectations can make or break a person. i know i have been wrong and not understanding. i will try my best not to put my own interest as priority because then i'll be selfish. that is why i can never love myself more than i love others. ever since i was young, i'll be happy if i see others happy. i never meant to hurt anyone nor burden them.i never like the feelings of being indebted with others or guilty of making someone upset. however things don't always go the way i want and sometimes i make mistakes.

frustration seeps in

geez...where should i even start? ok, im practically having 3 months holiday now. well, 2 months now to be exact. after the semester exams, i thought "Yay! Looking forward towards working and earning some money to get a new phone and some pocket money", later did i know that looking for a "seemingly-3 months job" is NOT fun or exciting i should say. when i came back to klang, went for job hunting in AEON shopping centre. was basically going into shops to ask for jobs and replying their vacancy postings. the most awkward part was to lie to them, yea, saying that i'll b working fulltime, when actually i'll work for these few months and then, cabut. that's the way you do it, according to mom. not really in my nature, but i guess i'm doing pretty good now, improved acting/masking skills :) but deep inside, still feel a little guilt there, but hah....its basic survival skills, in order to survive, someone has gotta sacrifice. too bad la.

anyways, applied for a few jobs and they said they will call me the next day. it got me so frustrated as they didn't call me the next day and i was practically deciding which job to take because there were few jobs that i can start straight away like in Kenny Rogers's and Delifrance. but their pay are kinda low, RM 3.50 per hour (underpaid). had to call up MOD to ask them as they said they'll call me but didn't, they said their boss will call me the next day and i have to go there straight away. i was like what the hell, i don't have a car, so what if dad's not at home, how am i going to JJ? blardy hell. but eventually got my ass there, earlier, before they even call me. after dim sum with vie and ong and justin, vie sent us thr, and that was the day that she'll be leaving, back to Aussie. 3 of us were walking around and i was looking out for jobs at the same time. just realized that i will take my chance to look for a job whenever i'm in JJ. kinda desperate, i guess. just remembered, 2 days before, my friends and i went for a chill out in greenbox. enjoyed ourselves so much. with kean leong there, things were so different. you should hear him sing first and prepare yourself to get tummy aches :p life is such a joy with friends by your side. ok, continue with my job hunting "expedition". so i went into haegen daaz and asked for the job. the supervisor asked me to fill in the form and so i did. after filling it, i sat there for like 1o-15 minutes waiting for him to interview me. guess what? i thought he was busy or something, serving the customers. but turns out to be that he was testing my patience. he was basically observing me. after a while, i asked the staff there and she said he does that to people who come for the job. i got kinda pissed and so i told the staff that if he's busy, i'll leave my details there and he can call me and i thought of telling him this also. but at that time, he was serving a customer. so i thought, "Hmm...nevermind, just be a little bit more patient", so i got back to my seat and waited for a few minutes. then, he finally came and sat opposite me, with his unsmiling face that i feel like punching, and he started browsing through the application form and asked me to describe myself. as i was waving my way through, as in figuring what to say, he suddenly just bud in and said that i cannot wait for the interview as in i was impatient, so i said straight away "It's not that i can't wait for the interview, but it's like you're taking my time. I still need to look for other jobs". so i supposed you know what he said. he said "OK then. You can go and look for another job". i said thank you and blah...who wants this job anyways. with supervisor like him, i guess i won't even last long and he thought that i was so desperate for this job when i have so many choices. after that, i went for Kenny Rogers's. the supervisor said i can start any time. took his number and said i'll call him because i needed to consider other jobs. yea, i asked for Timberland also. all put me into hold because they need to wait for the boss to approve, bla, bla...
i was kinda torn with choices. and it was all about timing. i thought that i'll take the job from the ones who call me first or those whom i can start my work soon.

so i started in SRS and after 2 days, i quit. not happy working there. maybe it's the people, maybe it's the work itself or maybe it's just myself. hahhhhh.....just made me so frus :( it was actually yesterday. so after i quit, went to Kenny Rogers's to ask whether they still need staff. the supervisor said yes and he was looking forward towards me working there. a sound of relief. ahhhhhh...... so i called mom up and told her that i quit and got a new job and that i needed to get black clothing as my uniform. after half an hour or so, she came to JJ and i met up with her. not long after that, i got a call from Brands Outlet. another interview. OMG. kinda got sick of interviews. and so i went. it all went well and the store exec asked when can i start. i was like, "Can i have your number? I may need to consider other jobs also". gee. but i can only start on 1st of march.

then, adding to my frustration, mom called this morning and said she came across a job vacancy near her office. a shipping company. she asked me to try out this one. so i called the company and talked to the person in-charge and she has arranged an interview for me tomorrow at 11 am. my work at Kenny Rogers's starts at 4pm.i have to call Brands Outlet to confirm with the job. all by tomorrow. hell, i'm having a headache now. so this is basically what i'll be doing tomorrow. go for the interview at 11am, see whether i get the job or not. if i get, then call BO and KR's, say sorry and decline their jobs. if i do not get the job, stick to KR's and decline BO.

i've come to realise that looking for a job is not an easy process, especially a full-time and permanent one. in my case, "permanent". it's definitely different from part-times.

all in all, just hope that i'll get a good job and work happily in these 2 months. and after that, just gotta put on a mask again and hopefully i'll get through it. but then again, that will be another story. just wait and see.

god bless all~