when expectations run high

what a row i had with my mom yesterday. we started out by talking about my friends, then my aunt and ended up having disagreements and misunderstandings. i guess i went too far and was overboarded. but i wasn't being caught up so much with emotions. as far from being inquisitive and wondering how humans communicate and live their lives eventhough they know its torturing, i was practically asking mom questions that might have made her misunderstood me for blaming her for what happened and is happenning in the family. coming to think about it, i was being very cold and inhuman towards her. maybe after many silent cries, repressing feelings and finally exposing myself to people whom i can trust, i finally got over the thought of self-pity and sympathy-indulgence. i became more emotionally independent. but somehow i became more reticent and cold. and maybe because i saw a mirrored image of myself in mom that i couldn't hold up to. i just didn't want her to torture herself and and to feel overburdened. i just didn't want her to punish and blame herself for everything that has happened. eventhough she kept saying that she couldn't care much about dad, i still feel that she does.constantly giving the excuses that what she has done all these years were for me and bro, i felt like i was a burden. it may be my fault to have expect too much from her and a little superficial to expect her to not complain about everything she does if they were done sincerely.must be too much of korean dramas, where those seemingly "heroes" were the ones who kept everything to themselves and suffer themselves. these dramas might have blindfolded me for a while and sparked my dream for a fantasy-like, fairytale life story. maybe this has been my armour all this while. armour that has been protecting me from revealing and exposing my fears. i used to think that it'll be okay as long as i am able to help others overcome their emotional burdens regardless mine.i used to think that my unfinished business will not affect how i console others because i do not see what i've been through as something that is shameful or bad. instead i see them as inspiring and beneficial. come to think about it now, i'm not sure. not sure how it will affect me in the future. i realised that i can be so convincing and helpful towards others, but not myself.

what happened yesterday proved to me that i can be so non-empathetic when i harbour high expectations on someone and especially when it involves people i love. i can be ignorant towards what my friends say about me. i can resist despite the bad-mouthing. but i cannot withstand seeing people i love torture themselves and feel bad because of me. also, i cannot have people that i care misunderstood me for who i am nor have bad impressions of me. maybe it all bores down to expectations, again. now, we can see how expectations can make or break a person. i know i have been wrong and not understanding. i will try my best not to put my own interest as priority because then i'll be selfish. that is why i can never love myself more than i love others. ever since i was young, i'll be happy if i see others happy. i never meant to hurt anyone nor burden them.i never like the feelings of being indebted with others or guilty of making someone upset. however things don't always go the way i want and sometimes i make mistakes.