could i be any more pathetic than i already am? it is so hard for me to bear. no matter how often i tell myself that i should get over him, that i should start living for myself, that it is not worthy to waste my time thinking about him, that no matter what i do, he will never come to acknowledge and appreciate it, that all these do not matter as long as i am able to see him and talk to him; i find it dreadfully hard to live my life as it was before i met him. things have changed, people have changed, my feelings for him have changed, but they grew stronger. people always tell me that i should not waste my time for him, that other guys will come my way, that i deserve someone way better than him, that they don't see anything in him that is worthy to be considered, that he could be a good friend but not a good boyfriend, etc. somehow, it bothered me, and is still bothering me, that though i often tell myself that you can never force someone to like you and that life still goes on with or without him, and that i can find someone else better, the thing is, i am not looking for a boyfriend. nor do i think that anyone is able to take his place. i may find someone who is similar. but i can never find someone who is like him. sometimes i really don't know what i want. i may convince myself that he doesn't have to be my boyfriend to appreciate him, as long as i am able to spend time and share my thoughts and listen to him speak, i'll do fine. and seriously, i am happy if things were to go that smoothly always. but why do i miss him when he's not around, why do i feel like there's something missing when he's not around, why do i sometimes shed tears thinking that we'll be going our separate ways soon after our graduation and that i'll never get to see him again, why?

i don't want to be caught up with these emotions. sometimes i just wish that i hadn't had fallen for him. if i hadn't had feelings for him, things would be so great. i wouldn't have to know or be constantly aware and try to differentiate my feelings for him. but at the same time, i am grateful that i've found a good companion all these years.

what do i do?
time will tell?
but i can predict what is ahead, so does it matter?
we'll see.


my all-time-fav emo song. has never ceased to make me shed. well, sometimes its not all that sad, but tearing just make things better.