what was it that u've said?

well, i've heard this from him many times i guess. few were said face-to-face, others were texted while some were through vicarious learning, uh..frens? at first, i didn't get what he meant, or rather, chose not to accept what he had said. it didn't quite hit me that time when he said he didn't had feelings for me. all i thought was, well, probably he was just denying it. come to think about it, i was pretty convinced that he might have feelings for me, like come on, 3 years spending time together, its impossible that someone couldn't develop feelings for u. that were silly assumptions made then. how could u not have all those vain thoughts when things seemed to go pretty well for both of you. or maybe that's what i thought. some peeps might have thought that i'm stupid enough while others, uh..can't say much? regardless of the seemingly ridicule or "no-comment" pretences, i was kind of comfortable with my own vain and egocentric wishful thinking. thinking that sooner or later, he'll get to know and like me. WTH was wrong with me?! was i too caught up with him? restricting myself to only getting to know him and disregarding others that were around me and limiting myself from extending my network. friends said that i was addicted or probably obssessed with him, that, i agree. it kinda scares me that i actually know what is going wrong with me and still able to somehow regulate and pull myself together. there are just times when i did not want to recover. i wanted to hold back onto the "nothingness". its a fortress. fortress to my hurt ego.

i am slowly learning to let go, though. it might sting, but hey, i gotta do what's right for me. i gotta emerge from my shell and learn to appreciate people and things that i've taken granted for, for the past few years. he will be my friend, a good friend.hopefully one that i will not forget in time. but if i do, its a charm that i have shared something with him.

so i was thinking, does the word "LOVE" only applicable to 2 individuals who like and adore each other or it can also mean one-sided adoration and affection? and i mean not only in romantic but also say,platonic relationships or friendships?

i'll end with a toast to those love-birds and also those singletons! i'm sure that it is just time that separates us from those who are already hitched or attached. and no worries, singlehood has all the excitements and revelations that are yet to be unfold. take your time :)

could i be any more pathetic than i already am? it is so hard for me to bear. no matter how often i tell myself that i should get over him, that i should start living for myself, that it is not worthy to waste my time thinking about him, that no matter what i do, he will never come to acknowledge and appreciate it, that all these do not matter as long as i am able to see him and talk to him; i find it dreadfully hard to live my life as it was before i met him. things have changed, people have changed, my feelings for him have changed, but they grew stronger. people always tell me that i should not waste my time for him, that other guys will come my way, that i deserve someone way better than him, that they don't see anything in him that is worthy to be considered, that he could be a good friend but not a good boyfriend, etc. somehow, it bothered me, and is still bothering me, that though i often tell myself that you can never force someone to like you and that life still goes on with or without him, and that i can find someone else better, the thing is, i am not looking for a boyfriend. nor do i think that anyone is able to take his place. i may find someone who is similar. but i can never find someone who is like him. sometimes i really don't know what i want. i may convince myself that he doesn't have to be my boyfriend to appreciate him, as long as i am able to spend time and share my thoughts and listen to him speak, i'll do fine. and seriously, i am happy if things were to go that smoothly always. but why do i miss him when he's not around, why do i feel like there's something missing when he's not around, why do i sometimes shed tears thinking that we'll be going our separate ways soon after our graduation and that i'll never get to see him again, why?

i don't want to be caught up with these emotions. sometimes i just wish that i hadn't had fallen for him. if i hadn't had feelings for him, things would be so great. i wouldn't have to know or be constantly aware and try to differentiate my feelings for him. but at the same time, i am grateful that i've found a good companion all these years.

what do i do?
time will tell?
but i can predict what is ahead, so does it matter?
we'll see.


my all-time-fav emo song. has never ceased to make me shed. well, sometimes its not all that sad, but tearing just make things better.

good for me!

went to visit the doc just now. good news! no dislocated bones or muscle tear. he said it was just blood clot. woooohoooo!! im kinda relieved. he said tht he was goin to give me a jab. and i was like, "Sure!" :D (a bit of a maso, i am :p) but it didnt hurt a bit. must be the "fleshiness" i have. lol.

wateva it is. i am a lucky ass. and im goin to kick ass soon!
later~

post-thesis celaka-ness

we're finally done with thesis! yay, managed to pull through it. the "road" was winding though, but nevertheless, worth the experience. jus when a friend of mine had talked about and was curious of why none of us had "snapped" or brokedown for the thesis, the next day itself (or was it 2 days later), i kinda had a disagreement with a friend. i admitted that i was rude and disrespect of him. i guess all of us wanted what was best for the thesis n probably were stressed bout it, but all of us tried to keep cool.

it was friday and the day to pass up the thesis. i was jolly happy as we were finally done with it. we had to go to a fren's place to print the thesis. and so after morning shower, i was coming down the stairs and to my horror, i fell, with my back hitting one of the steps. for a moment, i couldnt get up and move. it took me awhile to get back on my feet again. and i thought that, it was just a light fall, that i might get bruises and all later. hah! turned out that, i didnt had any bruises. no blue-black mark. but i feel this poking sensation everytime when i tried to turn to one side and when i tried to lift my legs. and the pain can be detected from my waist til my thigh. everytime when i pressed my upper waist, i'll feel a sense of pricking in the flesh, then i'll feel a twitch in the muscle and my leg will jerk. i so hope tht it'll b jus a blood clot or something minor. please dont be something like muscle tear or bone dislocated or something severe. i wana play sports! i'll be pissed n upset if i were not able to do sports for some time. now, it is kinda hard to wear pants n all as i need to lift my legs up n doing so will cause an excruciating pain to my thigh. its like something poking through your flesh.

well, will be going to the doctor or rather orthopaedist soon. let's hope tht i'll need not go through all those bone and muscle correcting therapy. it'll hurt like hell!

wana get well soon and kick some balls! feel like a disabled person :(